10 ways to calm your angry partner


This topic is not different from the earlier post on Crisis Management.

People don’t know how to handle crisis, hence things fall apart in split seconds.

These are few tips on how to handle an angry partner.

1. reduce your own anger arousal

Emotions are contagious. If you show anger in tone, words or behaviors, you’ll only further increase her sense of threat and reduce her sense of safety. Learning to effectively respond to, rather than react to, your anger enables you to clearly think about and identify those strategies that may be most constructive in calming your partner during this moment of conflict.

2. Promote physical comfort

Suggest that you and your partner sit in the most comfortable couch or chairs in the room. Sitting, rather than standing, can help both of you to be more relaxed.

3. Speak slowly and in a low tone

As emotions are contagious, your being calm will help to foster calmness. Speaking slowly and in a low tone draws attention to you and can further help to break the cycle of your partner’s escalating anger.

4. Compassionately acknowledge your partner’s anger and negative feelings

Remember that anger is a reaction and distraction from experiencing some form of inner suffering. It is a reaction and distraction to the visceral tension that accompanies both anger and the negative feelings that accompany it-feelings such as fear, powerlessness, anxiety, shame, betrayal and feeling diminished.

5. Remain silent and listen

I do this one a lot.

 Anger requires energy. Your partner may wind down in 10 to 15 minutes. Challenging or interrupting it may only lead to further escalation. Genuinely listen to what she is saying in order to better understand what she is experiencing. Communicate that you’re listening with your words as well as your facial expressions and body language.

6. Partially agree

Finding common ground is an essential component of any successful negotiation. Agreement enhances connection, promotes empathy and reduces threat-the key element in fostering a feeling of safety.

7. Admit your contribution to a situation

Admitting your role in the conflict shows your willingness to have a candid discussions one that does not involve defensiveness. Saying you’re sorry is another way for “owning” your contribution. And doing so may be a powerful way to validate your partner’s experience.

8. Freeze-focus to defer focusing on the past at this moment

In the heat of an argument, your partner may state, “You did the same thing last month and again last week!” In order to focus on the current situation, you may respond by saying, “I could tell you still have feelings about what happened then-and we can discuss that. But—it’s me. Right now I can only handle one thing at a time. Could we discuss what just happened?” Repeat this phrase if necessary.

9. Set limits

Setting limits involves assertively attending to your need for respect and safety. Setting limits may entail saying a certain word or phrase that both of you have previously agreed upon to end a heated discussion. Or, you might say, “I could tell you’re angry and hurt and I’m open to discussing how you’re feeling. But I don’t deserve to be yelled or cursed at.” Or, you might state, “It’s me. Right now I don’t believe anything that I say is going to be constructive.”

10. Seek assistance when you feel physically threatened

 Practicing self-compassion entails doing what is wise and in your best interest. Your safety should be a priority. Listen to your inner wisdom to determine if you need to leave and find help.

These strategies may not always be effective. However, you may learn a lot about your partner when they don’t work. For example, your request to end the conversation may increase his anxiety, rather than his anger regarding not being on the same page or his fears of abandonment.